Thursday, November 25, 2010

To show how thankful I am, I'm going to reveal way too much of myself

I know in the past I've wandered a little beyond the "travel" theme of this blog and given a little insight into my life, but today I'm going to take it even further. It's a bit scary for me because I intend to reveal a lot that I don't usually talk about....with anyone...yikes!

But at the same time, I think it's relevant to travel. Exploring the world not only teaches you about your external surroundings; it inevitably leads to so much self exploration and revelation. I tend to have trouble staying present, and have been struggling for so long with really accepting or even knowing who I am and what I want. I've spent years either ignoring "me" or hating the "me" I think I am, or not living up to the "me" I think I should be. But when I'm traveling, I get a huge sense of relief. A mix of happiness and indifference, living in the moment that is so unlike my day to day at home. I went back to New York 2 weeks ago for work, and while every trip is great, this one was particularly enlightening. A big light bulb lit up in my mind as soon as I got home.

By going to work, I of course feel productive and realize how good I actually am at what I do. I meet new people and see friends that remind me that I am loved, and there's just something about walking block after block through that huge city that feels like there's so much possibility and future ahead of me. So coming home, I was already feeling positive when I was welcomed by my family and friends back here in Houston and it finally hit me....I am so, so lucky. I am surrounded by the greatest family and friends in the world. I have the best of the best as my role models. But instead of feeling blessed, this has led me to feel like I can't measure up, I will never succeed, never be good enough to give back what I've been given. And then it all backfires because if I can't be perfect I am better off not trying. Having such amazing family and friends can be overwhelming.

Exhibit #1- my parents. Could they possibly have accomplished more? When it comes to my chosen profession, they are some of the best in their industry. Their language skills and speed are unmatched in the interpreting world.  Now that I've been working as an interpreter for a little longer, I've learned that in comparison to your average interpreter, I'm pretty darn good, especially considering I've been doing it for only a year, but it's hard to focus on that when I expect myself to instantly go from point A to point B and become my parents. Also, let's not forget that they raised me and gave me more than I would have even thought to ask for. I was born into a life resembling a giant open doorway. I have to use this door, I HAVE to be someone they're proud of.

My brother's are both brilliant. David is both charming and probably has a genius IQ, a natural inclination towards politics and the ability to convince anyone of anything. Luckily for the rest of humanity, he was raised by my above-mentioned wonderful parents, so I know he will one day be making a huge positive impact. Michael has been a little inventor since he was still pulling his stretchy pants way too high over his diapers, and he'll probably go on to get PHD's and win the nobel prize. Of course, I fear that I'm not as good, as smart, or high achieving as they are, but more and more I feel an enormous sense of sisterly pride. These are MY brothers, we share so much already, and I'm even more grateful now that we're all getting older and can share on a friend level as well as sibling.

The other half of my vocational choice is yoga. Though it's so much more than that. I'm thankful for how much it has changed my life, my outlook, and the way I treat myself and others. I know that this will be a life long choice for me and will carry me through so many ups and downs. I'm also so excited to get certified to teach and share this with future students! My yoga instructors and fellow trainees are the most inspring people. I knew I was blessed at Yogaone Studios, but by traveling and seeing other studios, I've confirmed it. I feel so warm and welcomed by this yoga family. It's a collection of the most incredible, friendly, peaceful, beautiful and inspring yogis you'll ever find. Not only are they the most qualified instructors that I have been lucky enough to have teach me, they're approachable, inspriational and have made me feel an entirely new side of myself. I still question how I even ended up as part of that family. What did I do to deserve it?  It's been so good for me, and I only hope I can inspire my students half as much as they have me.

My friends from the yoga studio and from other paths my life has crossed, new and old, are all wonderful. They're successful in such a variety of ways; they're fun, intelligent, unique, and beautiful.  . They're there for me even when I've pushed them away. I worry that I am not capable of reciprocating equally. Whether I have that much to share, to give back. If I can be someone they feel proud to call a friend the way I am of them. But I'm lucky to have them, happy for the ones that have stuck around forever, and for the new ones I'm making and hope to become closer with.

So there it is - my Catch 22. I've been burdened with the task of trying to be the best daughter/ friend/ sister/ yoga instructor because it's the least I can do to show my appreciation for the incredible people that surround me. Poor me, right? For now, I still feel stuck, like I'm in limbo, making lots of plans but never really accomplishing anything, never as pretty, never as smart, or SELF CONFIDENT (key word) but I think it's getting better.

In all seriousness, I am totally unbiased... my friends and family are the best. You all would love to have my life. So I'm going to stop whining about it.  I'm going to stop wondering and worrying whether I am worthy of being loved by my loved ones. I need to stop over thinking life and start living it.

Today, I am thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!


V said...

It's a very powerful moment when you are no longer regretful or wistful for the things you're not, and everything you haven't got. You can finally be thankful for what you do have, for the supportive group of people around you, and all that you have accomplished. That doesn't mean that one shouldn't be ambitious, or try to grow, but that that it's healthy to be graciously thankful and appreciative. I feel like it was only in the past year that I came to terms with those things myself.

It changed my outlook to where I was finally able to approach life knowing that things will work out; there will be some surprises and hiccups that will force you to adapt and compromise. But if you're smart and resourceful, you'll get over it and be able to move on.

Donatti said...

Love the blog post!
You are already awesome-always have been, just leaning new things- and hopefully beginning to see how great you are yourself.
And admittedly we are sort of a triple A family, intense expectations are our curse ( but you do measure up very well, being driven is stressful though!)
Love you Gaby!

Astrid said...

I love yoga, too. And not just because it is a great workout. I love how gentle it feels yet how powerful it has been for my body. I no longer have my intense lood sugar issues, and my body temerature stays very comfortable instead of feeling cold most of the time.
Travel is so important to me, too. Unfortunately, haven't been traveling as much as I would like to. But I am movng to Colorado for a few months, and I have never been there, so it will be uite the awesome experience.
I am glad you had a wonderful thanksgiving and that your food was amazing! Hope you are enjoying your cold front, too!

Ka said...

Boy do I hear you. I can feel your nature of being driven in this post and it is my fate too. In my situation, i am driven to prove that I am different than the rest and that I am going to succeed despite all odds. Families are funny things - we push and push each other, yet when or if we fall, we know that they will be there to catch us. Or at least pick us up and dust us off. Don't forget that part of the family dynamic.