Yes, this is what I am, and lately I've taken it to an extreme. While it's sometimes just me being lazy, as per why I haven't moved on to the next destination on this blog....
I kind of want to touch on the bigger picture today and put off the French Riviera a little longer because my brain has been set to repeat for the longest time and I can't stop it. I think about this in my sleep, I wake up thinking about it, and I spend my days searching for ways to change it.
I've basically put my life on hold since I graduated in December. Some reasons for this I'm aware of and others I haven't figured out, but I don't know what to do about any of them.
I think a lot of it is fear, a large part indecisiveness. I know that even though I don't have a clear idea of what will make me happy, for right now it's becoming critical that I simply DO anything (and on top of all the pressure I put on myself, my parents seem to get more and more impatient with me each day), but then I just can't follow through on anything. I feel restless and unsettled all the time due to this stagnation, and then really afraid of what will happen once I decide on or manage to plan a direction for myself. Where to go? What to do? What will I miss by choosing one thing over another? Can I have it all???
Then there's fear of not succeeding. I was already rejected from the two things I had become seriously invested in, not to mention countless job applications. But I can't fail if I haven't really tried, so instead I try everything halfway. I've investigated a lot of opportunities but I'm stuck about what I'd really like and how to do it.
So this post was really just to vent a little, I'm still stuck, but I do want to post the options I'm investigating thus far, and think that maybe by revealing something a little more personal about myself on here and making my goals more public I'll feel even MORE pressured to do something.
First, I need to go to Argentina at some point. I don't know how long I'll go for or what I'll do there, but that will happen and hopefully sometime this fall. I've looked at the English school there. I know they have courses for English professors, particularly a 3 part seminar in November that I could do. However, it would be nice to find a job with them. If not I can take the seminar, and find some other fun classes to take while I'm there and simply make it a shorter trip. Due to some personal circumstances, a shorter trip might be better anyways, even though experience wise, longer is better. And I do have family and friends to stay with and who can keep me occupied anyways, not to mention a free place to stay!
Today I emailed a Portuguese school in Maceio, Brazil. I don't think I could afford their courses, and would like to do something longer than 2 weeks of classes anyways, but I asked about job opportunities teaching English that I know they've offered in the past.
This week I will get some interpreting practice and record myself interpreting some cassette tapes of old interviews I have so that I can start getting higher paying jobs. And now that it's written down I HAVE to do this!
I need to do some more serious investigation into volunteering in Israel. I know the programs themselves are free, but obviously other costs are involved, and I need to start preparing myself financially and otherwise if I do choose to go live in Israel for 5-10 months (depending on the program).
I will go to a few networking events for the family business, and search for potential clients online, since I live on the computer anyways.
I will not neglect my friends just because I feel defeated and want to stay curled up on the couch forever (yes guys, this is the reason, I haven't stopped loving you!)
I will stay or go back to being more politically active because I know this really does make me happy. I will start this by going to the Mayoral Forum tonight to hear all the Houston candidates speak.
I'll finish organizing my apartment because I like being neat and clean :)
This emotional spillage was brought to you by a quote on another blog I happened upon this morning:
“I wonder if I’ve been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I’m not the same, the next question is ‘Who in the world am I?’ Ah, that’s the great puzzle!
-Alice, Alice in Wonderland
Now I'm off to start being productive!